I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I love you.
Bad choice
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
