the condom got lost in my hair
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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