I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
