dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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