five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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