Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
