onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
