Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
