I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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