i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
