I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
