he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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