i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
