im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
