chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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