Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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