A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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