i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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