I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
