You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dicks are not precious.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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