i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
