I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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