Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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