I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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