just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
