apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
