shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
