Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
