I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
