you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
