someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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