its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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