I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
