tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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