I'm laying in your front yard are you home
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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