highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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