im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
