just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
