Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
