life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
