I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
