I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
is it fun? or sober?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
