I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
