my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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