Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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