Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I can't turn off my feet"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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