a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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