I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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