i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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