so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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