the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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