oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
