I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
