She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
