Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
