Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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