Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
