He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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